Saturday, January 27, 2007

One-Sided Love?

Hi Mrs. Raub: I was really inspired by your article on what makes a good mother. More less I could associate with you being cloud nine just knowing your husband loves you more than anyone in the world! I used to know that. We have been married almost 10 years and I'm afraid we've lost our spark. My husband doesn't seem to remember we ever had it. He tells me he is committed to me and I need to be happy with that. What can I do? Seems my love is one sided?

Dear friend,

Thank you so much for your comment! You are not alone in your situation – there are many millions of women out there with the same problems. I don’t pretend to have all the answers, but I do know a few things from my 23 years of marriage and experience dealing with young couples, etc.

I personally think it is absolutely wonderful that your husband is committed to you! What a blessing! Many men have no concept of commitment, so you have an unusual man there! Just think: he has commitment! That means he is sticking with you, no matter what! And he is committed to YOU! You may not feel special in his eyes, but you are special, nonetheless.

You cannot control what goes on sale at the supermarket, but you an control what you buy. You cannot control his feelings. Neither can you control his attitudes, his words, or his actions. What you CAN control are your own responses to his feelings, words, attitudes, or actions. Many times we respond to our husbands’ tired grumpiness with irritation. Irritation quickly turns to anger, which leads to bitterness. Maybe we feel wronged in some way (who hasn’t been wronged by a loved one?) We can control our own expressions of frustration. Let me rephrase that: we MUST control ourselves if we are going to have a decent marriage.

Let me also say that you are not your husband’s conscience – you are his help meet. When he does something that is wrong, it is not your job to make sure he knows it. Now, I am certainly not perfect, but I try to mention things to my husband in a very respectful and casual way (privately, and to be a help to him). But I am not here to make sure he knows what to do and what not to do. That is the Holy Spirit’s job. When we try to “play Holy Spirit,” we are taking on ourselves far too much, and short-circuiting the work of God in his life.

Just as you CAN save money at the supermarket with careful planning, you can win him back – with a willingness to try and careful planning. If you will be smiling, loving, accepting, forgiving, and, certainly not least - his passionate lover, you can win his heart to you!

I highly recommend, a website dedicated to helping Christian wives fulfill their purpose, and the book, Created To Be His Help Meet, by Debbi Pearl. As ladies seeking to do His Will, we can glean helpful instruction from such sources.

You are at a wonderful time of your life. You have only been married 10 years, so you and your husband are still young, and not quite so set in your ways. You can turn this thing around within the next year, if you ask the Lord for strength and guidance! May our gracious Lord grant the petition you ask of Him!

With A Heart For Home,


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